The twofold gift of gifts...

{It's time for a draft from the past! This seems particularly pertinent, so I have added some conclusions and I hope it still makes sense.} Something I've had to practice lately is submitting myself to be served. Like anyone else, I'm very independent and dislike showing signs of weakness. I'm thankful for those gentlemanly men I know that so readily exhibit chivalry when I need it (and when I don't). I have come to welcome a strong pair of hands that will carry a heavy package, or hold the door open when ones hands are full (and even if they're not). What I have sometimes struggled with is admitting a weakness, a need for help in other areas. When someone asks how they can help it can be difficult to say how much you need a meal, a visit, an extra pair of hands to clean up the house. It feels downright selfish to ask someone to do something for yourself. What I've had to learn is that sometimes we have to open up ourselves to be willing to accept blessings. People don't always know particular needs unless you being attention to it. We can't expect to always be on the giving end and not the receiving. When you see a need, don't wait to be asked, just do it. If someone asks you what they can do to help, be honest and you will be allowing much blessing to both to the giver and the receiver.

The safest place in the world...

When the hurting becomes too much, sometimes all we can do is stumble into His arms. Wash me with your healing water, grant me the strength to go on, send me your wisdom. I can't do this on my own.

Counting...

I'm so tired of this crazy life, living mostly at the hospital and just a bit at home. Hurrying to get there before the doctors round. Wanting answers where there is none. Yet in the midst of this rain I can find a multitude of reasons to dance, a thousand ways to brighten the day of others. There's a family down the hall that's been here nine weeks while we've been here one. We share our muffins with the security guard. We hang lights and decorate the hospital room for Christmas, hoping this will be one holiday we can celebrate at home. My brother plays games with one of the other patients here. Jon can eat whatever he wants, we no longer have to hide it, spell it out, or tell him no when he asks for it. Sometimes someone brings us a homemade meal and we enjoy the short break from food prepared at home in a hurry and cafeteria food. If we look hard enough, even the darkest cloud will contain a glimmer of silver lining if I will focus on the light.

I'm aching, but I don't know why. I'm crying, but for no reason I can see. I'm missing people, but I haven't even met them. I'm homesick, but for places I've never been. I'm discontent, but the world is full of His goodness. I'm lonely, but surrounded by people. I'm tired, but I haven't done anything. I'm certain I'm understanding, but there are more questions than answers.

breaking

Music, swirling all around, delighting the senses, expressing my heart's song. And it's breaking me.

Mercy, undeserved, unreservedly poured into a imperfect vessel. And it's breaking me.

Beauty, the canvas of the world, the palette of colors singing to me, the mountains calling, the rivers dancing around me, all singing to me of His beauty. And it's breaking me.

It's breaking off the stone encapsulating my heart, making room for more beauty and grace, creating holes only He knows how to fill.

what if. . .

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching(s) of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

~Blessings by Laura Story

Sometimes I forget that blessings can come in all shapes and disguises. This is one of the few songs that speaks to me so deeply that I feel like crying whenever I hear or listen to it.

does it ever happen to you?

Reaching. Straining every muscle to reach the prize, that piece of happiness so tantalizingly near. Grasping, almost within reach. Close enough that I have no doubt that dream is truely mine. I ca. not foresee any reason it will not be in my grasp. Then the ladder is kicked out from under me. A broken soul laid bare by the cold cruel earth. My spirit is crushed, broken into a hundred pieces. What a twist, what a cruel trick to play. It was never mine. A dream that now must dissolve into a vapor for it will never be.

The dance

The friends, the laughter, the music swirling through the air. Playfully poking fun at one another when we forget a step. The notes that force our feet to move, keeping them from standing still, calling us to join in the fun. The bits of conversations as we make patterns with our feet. We end up back where we started, for it is not so much the destination as the journey (unless you get hopelessly lost and ruin the dance). I don't know what it is, but there is something there that keeps one coming back for more. You can come every week and never tire, always counting the days until the next time. The dance, that unique marriage of music and step, there's nothing like it. There is something here, perhaps just a small glimpse of the larger dance of which we are a part.

Freedom

In the corner of her eye, a waterfall is forming. She is weary. Her heartsong has become a whispered lament. She seeks to take refuge in a secret place, hidden from the cares of the world, from the hurt and the pain and the anguish. She runs fast and hard, but no matter how hidden the place she hides or how far she travels, it is always right behind, haunting her every step and stealing every happiness. Collapsed in a corner, the weight is nearly unbearable as it presses in and threatens to crush her. These chains cannot be shaken. This burden cannot be loosed. There is only One that has the key that will fit the locks. He is ready and willing to help, but He waits for the willing heart. Run to Him, dear child, and He will free you.

Perseverance

Tired and weary, the lonely soul continues on. Thirsty, exhausted, threadbare, with no oasis in sight. Straight and narrow the seemingly endless road stretches on and on and on. Everything says to turn back, to give up hope. But the soul trudges on, for in her hand is a love letter, written promises of something better that are just out of sight, signed by the One that loves her dearly. She just has to trust, to believe, to continue on, to persevere.

The Silence is Broken!

My, my...it has been awfully silent on here for the past month. Perhaps because the past few weeks have been intensive, to say the very least. And there are two more weeks left before some respite, recharging, and reorganizing.

The pain, hurt, tears, frustrations, heartache: it is preparing us for something, something better. Suffering is often what prepares us for joy. The mountains wouldn't exists with the valley, those places of vision, in between. It's the bad days that cause me to become even more thankful for the good days, and for the daily outpouring of mercy and grace from above that overflows an undeserving vessel.

Best days of our lives

#80-104

a tidy house awaiting a special guest
the smile of a friend as she runs up to greet you
long conversations in person
walks on the beach
going down sliding rock together
the exchanged looks when something is funny
plans going almost smoothly
A well-timed visit of the holder of a key that lets us in to a locked building
happy faces at dance
trying out the new sound system
live banjo and guitar music
water fights in the ocean
singing along to broadway songs while walking on the beach
evenings on the beach, when the breeze kisses your face as you sit on the cool sand
being able to stand at the foot of a waterfall with the wind gently whispering in your ear and the cool mist swirling all around
finally acheiving the exact shade of paint you want
finding someone with a wet saw to borrow
cut pieces coming together just right
chuckles from Jon
forgiveness, time and time again
sweet compliments from friends
"You Are Loved" playing while grocery shopping
Gnomeo and Juliet in the car while travelling
laughing at Julian Smith videos together

The tie that binds

"That which we have seen and heard we proclaim also to you, so that you too may have fellowship with us; and indeed our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son Jesus Christ." - 1 John 1:3

Fellowship. It's a word we use a lot. We speak of the great fellowship we had with someone. Of the fellowship within our churches. But of what are we speaking? Simply being together and enjoying one another's company?

Think of it with the analogy of a sport's team. The team's goal is to win. That doesn't mean that they can't have fun together, or enjoy being in each other's company. It means that being together isn't their goal. They can't meet each week and have spend time together talking and expect to win the championships. They can do those things, but their goal is to win the game and so preparing and drilling for the game must take first priority.

Fellowship is having a common purpose, a goal that you are mutually working toward. Fellowship with the saints is a body of believers with one common purpose: to glorify God. While it is wonderful to think of being joined together with so many others with a shared purpose, what really "takes the cake" is that we have been invited to fellowship with God. We were chosen by God and have been united with Him to glorify His name. What an amazing God we serve. Thank you, Father, for inviting me to fellowship with You.

Sometimes I wonder...

What is the exact line between gossip and information? If someone asks directly about it, where is the line between answers and slander?

What level of influence do different occurences in a person's life have in the formation of personality, likes and dislikes? Are certain personalities born at certain times of the month?

How does it ever occur that two people like each other mutually? I've befriended people that don't return the interest. Even with mutual likes or what-not, it seems a miracle to me when one has a mutual friendship or two people fall in love with each other.

What is it that causes us to wake up happy or sad? Why do some days we feel motivated for no particular reason we can express, and others, depressed?

Why am I an INTJ/ISTJ? How can I use my personality to glorify Yahweh and further Christ's Kingdom? How can I bless others through these particular traits?

What can I/am I doing to hasten the Kingdom and spread the supremacy of God in all things?

You are loved...

What is it about a cool, gentle breeze that makes it feel like a kiss from God?

How can certain songs penetrate the depths of your soul, putting feelings into words?

Why does such an undeserving wretch receive such an outpouring of heavenly love?

Sometimes it's the little things...

#60-#79

songs that make me smile as song as I hear them start playing.
His faithfulness, especially when I'm not.
chats with a friend.
young ladies I'm surrounded by that have such powerful passion to serve Christ. they encourage me just by living.
hope of a free from pain when emotional and bodily aches seem to never end.
love letters from God.
the smell of rain.
shared moments with family, knowing that as we all grow older these moments will be fewer on this side of heaven.
an absolutely amazing father that is a gift from God.
dancing in the rain.
checking things off the never-ending to-do list.
the lovely aroma of the new dish-washing liquid I bought this week.
finally getting the perfect shade of black paint after many mix-ups.
kind customer service that returned items not normally accepted.
learning from mistakes, hopefully to prevent them repeating.
the pure and innocent laughter of a child.
resting in the promises of God.
a young man carrying my heavy dance bin to the car, proving that chivalry is not yet dead.
the smile of a friend.
straightening up in preparation for much-looked forward to visit from a friend.

Fearless

"Let go." He whispers.

I know I should, but I can't. It's so hard to let go.

"I am here. I will catch you."

I know it in my head, but the battle is still waging in my heart. Myself, my happiness, my well-being, my future - taking all I am, and giving it to Him. Letting go, holding on to nothing but Him. Clutching the cross, trusting Him, serving Him.

But my lists, my plans, my wants...can I let go of them? I know His plans are even better than mine, but does my heart believe it?

All I have to do is let go.

Counting Blessings

#41-#59 (because I haven't posted this in a few weeks...)

Safe travels there and back again
Sweet times of fellowship
Car discussions
Thought-provoking talks
A signed CD from Michael Card
Home-cooked food
A little boy getting stronger every day
Underlining passages in books
Michael Card music in the car
Smiles on dancer's faces (I love it when people show they're having fun)
Finally dancing Piper and the Penguin
No rain until after the outdoor dancing was finished (but boy did it pour down afterwards!)
Happy dancers in spite of a faulty caller
Seeing friends one hasn't seen in ages
Lights that stay green when you're running late
Getting to church on time
Holding a four week old baby, gazing into those beautiful blue eyes. (I. love. babies.)
Inside jokes shared with those you love
Making plans for a friend's visit

Randomness about one of the best weeks ever...

Most people that know me have heard me reference my "bucket list" at one time or another. Go ahead and feel free to laugh. ;) My bucket list is really just random little selfish things I think would be incredible fun to do someday (think: camping, backpacking, world travelling, crazy recipes, whatever catches my fancy. ;) ). As a side - a bucket list for me is not a list of things I must do before I die, it is more so a list of self-centered things that I assume I will never do but would if I got the chance. One of those things on my list was to meet Michael Card. He is one of those on my list of inspiration people. His music has some of the best biblical insights I've ever heard, and ministers to me in so many different ways. I always thought it would be incredible to hear him in person, but I never thought it'd be possible. But God is good, and not only did I get to hear him speak, I heard him perform live some of my favorite songs and even had dinner with him! Best week ever? I think so.

Michael Card wasn't the only person that I was interested in hearing. Pastor Trice is one of my favorite speakers to listen to. He shared many good insights over the week, and covered a huge variety of topics/questions quite well. It wasn't until Sunday afternoon that it really hit me - BWSC is over for the year. No more Q&A sessions (one of my favorite parts of the conference). No more fellowship - I think I'm going into social withdrawal. ;) I'm afraid I wasn't as social as I could've been, but I enjoyed catching up with a couple of friends I met last time, and getting to know better some friends that I actually see outside of BWSC. I have this aversion sometimes to making friends that I don't actually get to see in person that often, because online friendships tend to be so superficial, but that's a different topic for a different day. Even after all the goodbyes, it really doesn't sink in for a day or two that it's already over. Four and a half days have never passed so quickly. Three hundred and sixty-five days is long time. Even if I do end up going next year (really just depends on some different variables), as wonderful as it would be it could never be the same as this year because it won't have Pastor Trice and Michael Card. (2011 - MOST EPIC BWSC EVER).

I enjoy listening or participating in discussions on a variety of topics, but I especially enjoy it face-to-face. One of my favorite parts of the conference was the car discussions that happened on the way there and back. I guess it happens so rarely for me to get an opportunity to discuss various issues among my peers that I take particular pleasure in those few times when it happens. The flow of ideas, the different viewpoints, the wisdom of those who have been there...they leave you with something to think about. We are sharpening each other. There are some friends that sharpen me a bit more that others, but I am thankful for the godly friends that Yahweh has brought into my life.

There is something about singing Psalms and hymns in four part harmony with a piano accompaniment that makes my soul soar. Again, perhaps it is because it is something I don't get to do often. I couldn't tell you why or what causes it, just that there is nothing like it. We didn't do a whole lot of singing during the week, but I loved every minute of it. The singing is certainly one of my favorite things about BWSC!

In some ways, I feel like a different person because all these new ideas floating around in my head. It is now  when the rubber meets the road. Where you must take what you learn and decide how you will apply it to your life. Some ideas will fall into the pail of the forgotten never to be retrieved. Others will be set aside to age and brought forth at a later time. A few will simmer away on the back burner. One or two will be at your side, constantly changing your ideas and the way you think. Because now that you know, you can't plead ignorance. We are taking what we wrote on paper and translating it into the language of everyday life. I am excited about what God is teaching me and what He has in store for my future!

Something I need to remember...

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine


When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands


When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right


When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands


Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still


When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...


When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands


-Your Hands, JJ Heller

Sometimes

Sometimes the rain of God's blessing is coming down so heavily that you feel your heart about to burst with the glorious fullness. God has been gracious to an undeserving creature. You feel as if you'll drown in all this goodness. Fear begins to creep in, wondering if you'll burst from the happiness. You want to shout praises to God, to sing and dance, to jump for joy, to shout from the rooftops what He has done, to show some sort of thanks for all this amazing grace that you don't deserve. But the words don't come. All you can do is kneel speechlessly before the throne of grace, as you try to find words to express your gratitude. The words don't come, but the song your heart sings - it is enough.

Finding God in Nature

"God writes the gospel not in the Bible alone, but on trees and flowers and clouds and stars." - Martin

Where do we find God? The answer is, quite literally, right outside your door. The Bible is God's Word, a book of instruction and love letters written expressly for us, but sometimes we forget that God exists outside of the pages of a book. To find the gospel, step outside. Feel the breeze playfully toss the wisps of your hair out of place. Watch the glorious majesty of a thunderstorm, with the trees bowing low and the thunder crashing loud. Spend time with an ant as she forges for food. Examine the complexity of a flower. God isn't contain in the pages of a book, only present when we open it, He is here, all around us. These are His gifts to us. We see His infinite knowledge, His glorious majesty, as we watch the beauty of nature all around us.

Random thoughts on a quote by Ann Voskamp

"The only man you want to give your life to is one who makes you hunger for Christ, believe in Grace, experience the other-world love of God." - Ann Voskamp

I came across this quote recently on a blog I've started reading. It is a great reminder about what I need to be looking for in a man - not the handsome smile, perfect haircut, particular age, certain looks - but someone that becomes a running mate in the race towards the goal. For the purpose of marriage is not to have someone that gives you flowers on Valentine's Day, but to have that person there sanctifying you, encouraging you, correcting you, turning your face towards Christ, a life partner in your God-given mission. As single women, it is easy to let  our emotions run free and become distracted by a handsome face or the right words. Let us instead keep our focus on Christ, and seek to find someone that turns our face towards Him.

Multitude Mondays

#26-#40

Three year anniversary of adopting Janae. She is such a bundle of energy, she is almost always jumping, dancing or running around, thus my nickname for her is "Tigger". It is beautiful to see the relationship between her and Jonathan, especially when he has been in the hospital. The past three years have flown by, feel like yesterday when I cradled her tiny body in my arms. We named her Janae, for it means "God has answered" or "God's gift". After the heartache of many failed adoptions, we knew God had finally answered our prayers and given us a precious gift. She is a beautiful little lady, and I am excited to watch her grown in her walk with the Lord.

Successful surgery, and a quick recovery.

Only spending overnight in the hospital.

When the building is locked, and the band late to the dance...realizing the multitude of things that can go wrong, but thankful that they don't.

Hearing that friends are safe after a terrible tornado.

34 days until I spend the weekend with a dear friend.

Four days until one of the best weeks the whole year long.

Discovering a drive-in theatre not too far away.

Laughing together with (some of) my family as we watch Gnomeo and Juliet.

Forgiveness from God and others when we fail.

The silly smile of a little man as he signs "I love you".

Finally getting somewhere on an important decision.

Seeing a relevant article on a topic that's been brought to mind.

New mercy from the Lord, every single morning, without fail.

Christian parents that have raised us right.

Overwhelmed by grace

#11 - #25
Being sent home from the hospital early enough to take our previously planned trip
Leaving on time
A good deal on a gorgeous ball gown
Nap time in the car. Nothing like a few quiet moments while travelling
Finally getting a reservation mix-up worked out, even though it took an hour
Children laughing at the silliest things
Adorable babies at the Orphan Summit. So many cute kids!
Safe travels there and back again
God gave a handsome little man life, has brought him through more than once when he has been close to death. This little man gives joy to those around him, and he can hardly go anywhere without people saying how cute he is. No one would know what all he has been through, for he has had a happy, patient, joyful spirit through it all.
A little boy walking along even when doctors said he wouldn't.
Getting booked for another calling gig.
Just two more weeks!
Forty-five days until I meet a dear friend
Zephaniah 3:17
Thunderstorms. I love listening and simply being in awe in the presence of that tiny taste of His majestic strength.

Men and Mountains

What are men compared to rocks and mountains?

There is something about mountains that stirs my soul. The beautiful majesty of these towering mounds awakens a breathless awe. The road moves with the mountain - up, down, over and around. The clouds gracefully dance along the peaks, like a fluffy mound of whipped cream on a slice of warm cherry pie. Something about these heights brings me closer to the one that created them. It gives me a sense of my smallness, while telling me of the grandeur of my King. In the shadow of these hills, I stand in awe of my Father and worship Him.

Normal

Normal. What a conceited word, snobbishly looking down at me in all its normalcy. Sometimes you wish you could be like them, those normal people. The ones with a quiet existence. Nothing out of the ordinary happens to them. But you know, their lives...they must be so boring.

Multitude Mondays

Multitude Mondays

#1 - #10

A little boy that is getting better.

A large, spacious room with a lovely view and windows that let the sun stream through.

The perfectly timed words of a friend that tell me what I need to hear.

Three very short weeks until five awesome days called BWSC.

Fifty-two days until I see a dear friend in person!

Coming in just sixty cents under the limit for the meal tickets.

Laughter of both the young and old echoing off the walls - after all, it is the best medicine.

Those special women to which God gives children, but especially my own beautiful, amazing mother.

Reassurance that God is in control, even when previous plans are completely shattered.

Learning I'll be an aunt. Even if it was by phone, while driving, and didn't fully sink in right away. I can't wait to meet my niece/nephew!

Randomness

It hit me - I'm starting turning into the typical blogger, typing random facts that no one particularly cares about or reads. My old-style posts are there, in my head, I just haven't had time to bring them to life. Scary prospect, becoming typical. Mostly because I feel the constant push to become mainstream, and in so many ways I've lost ground (which has been good in certain areas). But I'm changing, I've lost passions I once held, but I'm not sure where they've gone - have they died or are they simply smouldering under the surface and will reawaken when God sees fit. Yet somehow I've changed at least a little into the girl I once would've scorned. Some was maturity, the experience of life, and just growing up. Some was friends that planted the ideas or argued the point. It is frightening, frightening indeed.

I am tired. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. Simply exhausted. It was a beautiful day spent with friends while seeing a play. I love having shared memories with friends, things to look back on and smile at. I learned today that I am going to be an aunt. It is starting to sink in and I am so incredibly happy. I want to cry tears of joy. Yet there are tears of sadness, for today also brought sad news about a friend. It's like oil and vinegar being shaken together in a jar. I want my little brother to get well. I have hopes and dreams that I wish I could know if they would be fulfilled. I am weary of trying to figure out and plan my future. I'm afraid of making the wrong choice. I wish there was a checklist for my life. That I could find that person that would marry me, if such a man exists. Perhaps a schedule of my life, of what I need to focus on and accomplish when. Or perhaps just a mental rest about decisions made. I know this paragraph, this post, is broken, rambly, and perhaps a bit silly. Congrats if you actually read it, especially to the end.

My trust is ultimately in Yahweh. He is writing my life story, and I can't wait to read it.

Pens and Pencils

The writing implement of choice can really say a lot about someone. Pen and ink convey confidence, a sense of finality, of no going back. A pencil, on the other hand, gives you the opportunity to go back and change any mistakes, completely erasing the memory of their existence. In one writing course I took in school, a pen was the only thing you could write with. At first I thought it was a stupid rule, I hated not being able to go back and change what I had already written. I did come to realize how good his justification for the rule was - when writing with a pen you are more careful about working through your thoughts before placing them on paper. (Though I still like writing with pencils when I'm having a hard time organizing my thoughts or working on something I feel is important.) But it made me think about God's Word - He has written His Word, His covenant, in pen and ink. It can't be changed. All of it is there for me to see, there isn't going to be something erased or added in when I'm not looking. It makes me extremely grateful for a God that has written His Words and promises in ink.

Circles

Sometimes you get tired of everybody and everything. Nothing new under the sun becomes a heavy, crushing burden you can't tolerate anymore. The same cycles, the same hurts, the same excuses. And you want to go somewhere far, far away, to lock yourself in a secret tower where no one can ever find you and you can live out your days in peace. But even if you could, very quickly it would become old. The silence would be peaceful, but there would be no laughter, no one to listen or talk to. You wouldn't be hurt, but your heart would be devoid of love and turn to stone. There might be peace, but you certainly wouldn't become more sanctified. What is the point of living - to have a peaceful, comfortable life or to be spreading God's Kingdom and seeking to behind more like Him? So maybe these little daily trials, the small taste of Christ's sufferings, is to make us more like Him, to bring us closer to God, and to glorify His name.

Oh yeah, I have a blog...

No, I haven't truely forgotten my little corner of cyberspace. It is more a lack of inspiration and limited time spent at an actual keyboard. I still don't have anything in particular to write about, so if you don't like to read rambling now would be a good time to stop. A random post of random things running through my head is better than nothing...at least that is what I hope!

Ron Paul is running for president. While I tend to favor Ron Paul, I'm not sure he is the one that can beat Obama. We need someone young, someone fresh, with Paul's ideals. Who will that be? It's a bit early to tell, but hopefully someone will surface that can help fix the American government.

I'm half-listening to the tv playing in the other room. It is amusing to hear the reporters speculate on and on about what the president is going to announce at 11pm at night. Libya? Security? Talking and talking about nothing. Geraldo mentions Bin Laden and I laugh a little inside. Really? No way, he is either dead and we don't know it or still hiding in a cave. And now, suddenly, in an instant - the unbelievable...Osama bin Laden confirmed dead. History being made as I watch. Living the moment that kids will read about history books. A man responsible for the death of so many has met his end. Ten years and he is gone.
Yet no matter what happens, life around us goes on. Our everyday lives aren't changing. Perhaps a mental rest. Of course, there will much rejoicing in justice being done.

In just five days I get to see Pride and Prejudice on stage! Another item checked off my bucket list. ;) I'm excited about spending some time with cool friends watching some good acting. I love the stage. There is nothing like watching something on stage. It is one of those times that the story truely feels alive and I never want the moment to end. The curtain closing always seems to come too soon, no matter how long they gave been open. In just twenty-nine days is one of the best weeks of the year. Dancing every night, food and fellowship and friends, gifted speakers...it is the week that flies by, that holds so much laughter, so many memories, and so much food for thought. In sixty days I get to spend the weekend with one of my best and closest friends, whom I yet have to meet in real life. Certainly going to be one of the sweetest, most memorable weekends of my life. Much to look forward to and savor.

Isn't it funny how you start something with no idea where it is going? I had no idea the history that would take place during a normal, quiet Sunday. Life is a journey we take one step at a time. Who knows what lies around the next bend? Let's go find out!

Decisions, Decisions

It's like walking into a huge book store, with bookcases from floor to ceiling, shelves bending under the weight of the wide assortment of books. But you can only choose one, just one, and you must completely finish it before choosing the next. Some will be quick reads, over quickly. Others will take much longer. And that is where I stand: skimming the titles, weighing the choices, wondering which will be the best choice. The decision isn't easy. Once you forward there is no turning back. I try to avoid glancing with envy at those around me that appear firm and confident in their decisions, absolutely certain where they are going. Me? I'm at the end of one chapter of my life, wondering what will happen in the next and pondering what it might hold. Until I finish, only God knows. So I make a choice, grab a book, and squeeze my eyes shut as I turn the page to the next chapter of my life, hoping and praying I made the right choice.

Wandering Feet

I have what I call "wandering feet". I love to travel. I love to plan. Which means as soon as one trip is over, I'm ready to plan the next. There are so many exciting and exotic places to see, interesting people to meet, new things to try. I want to visit New York, California, Colorado, Missouri, Great Britian, New Zealand, Washington State...a meaningful visit to each of the fifty states, and at least one visit to each continent would be nice, just put it on my tab. Sure, it may never happen, I may end up a pastor's wife in a little town in the south, with just enough money to support us and our eight kids. ;) But hey, it's always fun to dream!

One of the best things about travelling is having a home to return to. Somewhere that everything is familar, where you settle in to your usual routine just as if you had never left your doorstep. But home is not meerly a home with four walls and a roof, it's the people that it holds within. It is the joy of recounting your personal travels to an eager audience, or reminescing about shared memories. Our laughter and our memories are the glue that binds us together. Because no matter where we go, nor how far we wander, wherever those that are closest to our hearts reside will be the most precious spot on this earth.

Wearing Our Masks

"But our wounds are part of who we are and there is nothing left to chance. And pain's the pen that writes the songs that call us forth to dance" - Michael Card

"...the experiences of our lives, when we let God use them, become the mysterious and perfect preparation for the work he will give us to do." - Corrie ten Boom

I've begun to realize more and more how often we have particular masks we hide behind - myself being no exception. The pain, the tears, the heartache are hidden behind the masks we put on when we go out the door. We're hurting, bleeding to death on the inside. To reveal this to others, even our closest friends, can be painful. It's admitting that we are weak and imperfect. It hurts our pride, especially when it appears that everyone else around us has everything together. If only we realized that so often they, too, are wearing their own masks.

The skeletons in the closet haunt us. Even in the deepest, darkest corner, they are glow like the day, threatening to escape into the open at a moments notice. We are ashamed of what others might think if they saw them and are contantly pushing them deeper into the darkness.

The deep wounds we receive always leave a scar. Sometimes it is noticeable, sometimes it fades over time, and sometimes it simply scabs over until there's an opportunity for it to reopen. None of us can make it through life without procuring at least one of these wounds, and some of us will have many. They are the battlescars of life.

The echoing question is "Why?". Occasionally we will receive an answer, though it is not always immediate. Why is there so much hurt and pain? Why does this have to happen to me? The two quotes I've posted at the top have been comforting in the midst of my pain. There is nothing, nothing, left to chance. God has choreographed the dance of our lives, and perhaps the pain is a necessary warm-up for a glorious moment later on in our lives. Or perhaps, as painful as the moment may be, it is the best way for Yahweh to be glorified through us. It could be the supporting beams of our witness to the world for Christ. We won't always know the purpose behind the pain, but one thing we can do is glorify and exhalt Him no matter what happens. Soli Deo Gloria!

Random Ramblings

Every year, just about this time, I become terribly sick with spring fever. Everything gets a cleaning or some organizing, and my blog is no exception. As you may notice, whenever the content starts to change so does the name. (If you see anything you hate, or I remove something that you enjoy/use, let me know!) As of late, I've been rambling on more than usual, which has prompted the title change - a shift from dry writing to hopefully a peek into the mercies of God in my day-to-day life. This doesn't mean I won't be starting anymore dicussion or debates (anyone that know me well knows that I'm always up for a good dicussion!), but that posts related more personally to me will be appearing in-between. Hopefully my readers will be able to look past my ramblings and see the glories of my King. As always, to Him alone be the glory!

Sweet Memories

Memory. It's such a fascinating thing. Our memories are one of the few things that will stick with us for nearly all our lives, the one thing that we can consistently carry (more-or-less) with us through most circumstances. Memory and laughter are also the glue that binds people together. There's a connection you create when you start to spend time with people, stories are lives that will be recounted later on, bringing laughter or tears to those that shared the same experience.

This week was a wonderful time of memory making. I enjoyed the opportunity to attend the Greenville Spring Theological Conference. Originally I was worried that being gone right before the homeschool ball would create problems, but it ended up being the best thing I could've done. Instead of spending three days worrying about ball preparations, I spend three delightful days learning about the Holy Spirit, laughing, and fellowshipping with friends. I'm thankful the Lord worked everything out so that a family was willing to let me tag along. Now I have so many good memories for that week of both fun and serious conversations, random jokes and comments, and shared experiences. I wouldn't change it for the world. The other thing I've made memories of was the homeschool ball. This was the biggest, craziest thing I've ever done, but with the help of the Lord, it was a sucess. God brought all these different gifted people together that really helped me get everything done. I had so much fun before the ball even began, as we laughed and decorated together. Then there was the people helping behind the scenes at the ball, keeping the food trays filled and working the sound. The people way up on my grateful list, though, are those that stayed behind to help put things away after the ball was over, even with the daylight savings time change and living up to an hour away! I was prepared to not leave until after midnight, since I was certain that next to no one would want to stay and put everything away. But Yahweh is good, and blessed me with so many people helping that we were finished up within the hour. I am amazed at the goodness of God, and the selfless people He sent to help me!

Now it is time to move forward. To fill that gap that ball planning used to fill. To prepare for the next big thing. But still, I'll look back and smile when I think about harps and heaven, drink out of a water fountain, sing Psalm 98A, see a lamp post, look at my Narnia quotes and posters, think of Sharon Presbyterian, or when some random memory from the past week suddenly pops into my head. And I'll thank God for His good gifts towards me, because I certainly don't deserve all this.

Rambling Nonsense Induced by Hospital Stays

Wait, wait and wait some more. I've never really been the most patient person to begin with, but when you're holding a sick loved one with no idea exactly what's going on, it is one of the most difficult things in the world. You can't make cultures grow rapidly. But then when they do finally come back, and things look rather fine, everyone is confused as to exact what is going on. Maybe we'll never know exactly what is going on. But it is a comfort to know that there is one who that know exactly what is going on, and He is overseeing everything.

It is easy to feel discouraged and hopeless. They keep poking and looking, poking and looking, but a decent vein is hard to come by. There are desperate, pleading prayers rising from the bedside. Usually they will end up finding something. If not, I know Someone has a better plan.

I look for wisdom from the doctors, hoping they will know what to do. But when they shrug their shoulders, I realize that wisdom must come from on high. That is where trust must be placed, not in man.

I'm tired of choosing meals, lack of sleep, not being together as a family, missing out on church services, and seeing my baby brother look so skinny. I want to go home, back to regular routines and normal life. But God is working here. How exactly, I don't completely know yet. I may, in fact, never know. One thing I know is that God wrote the poem of my life, and I will excitedly wait for each new step as He leads me closer to Him.

Another Trip Around The Sun

Reading over my journals from this past year, it's hard to believe that only a year has passed by. It has been a full year, full of both sorrows and joys. Probably more than anything else, it was a year of firsts. I rode in an ambulance. I had my first paid calling gig. I enjoyed my first Greenville conference. I visited breath-taking Lookout Mountain for the first time. For the first, and hopefully last time, I got stuck in a parking lot on a concrete barrier at Covenant College. I watched the first of my siblings get married. For the first time, I was the administering shots. It was my first time staying at the hospital for over a week straight. It was the beginning of the Tummas Dance Group. Of course there was the other highlights like finishing Les Miserables (the book), seeing the play Les Miserables, dancing at Fandango, enjoying food and friends numerous times, finishing my JT400 quilt, and countless other memories that were made over this past year. I spent many lovely hours chatting with my dear friend Hannah, who is always there, willing to talk with me about what's going on and always giving me new ideas and inspiration. I enjoyed getting to know the sweet, godly Londa better through her blog and emails, and looked forward to each long email as she willingly befriended me even though I am several years her senior. I was stretched through Isaiah's blog and our occasional discussions as he helped me see both sides of the issue. I enjoyed getting to know Amy and seeing how well she complements Jason. I had fun going to conference with Jason and all the discussions we were able to have. Then of course there was the late nights Jen and I would spend talking about everything and anything. I met new people through our dance group. There were many good times, but there were many hard times too. That is one thing that Yahweh has really taught me this year - trust. To trust in Him for the future. To trust Him when I worried about my youngest brother. To trust Him when things didn't go the way I wanted. To trust Him in everything - everything. It hasn't always been easy, but by God's grace He has taught me to trust in Him more deeper and fully than I ever have before. As I stand on the edge of 2011, I look forward to (Lord Willing) Greenville, BWSC, surgeries over with, getting medical training, and hopefully hosting Nor'easter, just to name a few. But even more than all that, I can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for me and what He will teach me this coming year as He leads me heavenward.