It hit me - I'm starting turning into the typical blogger, typing random facts that no one particularly cares about or reads. My old-style posts are there, in my head, I just haven't had time to bring them to life. Scary prospect, becoming typical. Mostly because I feel the constant push to become mainstream, and in so many ways I've lost ground (which has been good in certain areas). But I'm changing, I've lost passions I once held, but I'm not sure where they've gone - have they died or are they simply smouldering under the surface and will reawaken when God sees fit. Yet somehow I've changed at least a little into the girl I once would've scorned. Some was maturity, the experience of life, and just growing up. Some was friends that planted the ideas or argued the point. It is frightening, frightening indeed.
I am tired. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. Simply exhausted. It was a beautiful day spent with friends while seeing a play. I love having shared memories with friends, things to look back on and smile at. I learned today that I am going to be an aunt. It is starting to sink in and I am so incredibly happy. I want to cry tears of joy. Yet there are tears of sadness, for today also brought sad news about a friend. It's like oil and vinegar being shaken together in a jar. I want my little brother to get well. I have hopes and dreams that I wish I could know if they would be fulfilled. I am weary of trying to figure out and plan my future. I'm afraid of making the wrong choice. I wish there was a checklist for my life. That I could find that person that would marry me, if such a man exists. Perhaps a schedule of my life, of what I need to focus on and accomplish when. Or perhaps just a mental rest about decisions made. I know this paragraph, this post, is broken, rambly, and perhaps a bit silly. Congrats if you actually read it, especially to the end.
My trust is ultimately in Yahweh. He is writing my life story, and I can't wait to read it.
In my experiences at college and otherwise I've learned to embrace a lot of new changes. At first it was rather frightening to see myself changing so radically, but now I'm mostly pleased with the changes. I've learned that much of the ideas I held in my younger years were rather simplistic and unnecessary. Not all change need be frightening, sometimes we "unsocialized homeschoolers" need to learn to be a little more mainstream.
ReplyDeleteThe problem is that I am nostalgic. It saddens me when things have to change, even when they are inevitable. There is just something so final about having a way of life that was so beautiful, that you can never return to. I am changed, and am also changing. The ideas I hold passionately now, may be something I will shake my head an laugh at later. It is frightening in the finality, the no return, no going back. Maybe the fear is good, maybe not. I usually blame it on the fact that I was born a girl. ;)
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