The article by Stacy Macdonald on courtship and betrothal is located here:
http://yoursacredcalling.blogspot.com/2009/11/beauty-of-courtship-and-betrothal.html
There is no cut and dried way that a courtship should happen. Each couple's story is going to be amazingly unique. How each family implements biblical principles is going to be different. But the thing is that there are biblical principles that should be followed. That's my disclaimer before I state my thoughts on the above article.
I agree with Mrs. Macdonald that if there is an interest there, that one of the best ways to get a glimpse of the other's character is through interaction with the other person in a family or group setting. The emotions should and must take the sideline as you are trying to ascertain the character of the other person. Does their theology line up? Do they share a vision? Can I submit to/love as Christ this person? Topics such as these above should be worked out before anyone even thinks about involving the emotional aspect of it.
When it is discovered that this is "the one", that this young lady would share in his vision and submit to his leadership - it is at that point where the man can (and should) approach the father to ask for her hand in marriage. This is by no means the limit of the father's role. As the young lady's God-given protector, he should be "checking out" and getting to know the young man both before and during the courtship.
The emotions should be involved as little as possible until there is a firm commitment. No, it is not possible to be one hundred percent stoic, but there are certain pitfalls that can be avoided. In the beginning, one-on-one interaction in person should be limited, if not prohibited. I would even venture banning such phrases as "I miss you", "I love you", "Can't wait to see you again" and so on. The betrothal/engagement period is the time to focus on developing a romantic relationship with the person you are planning to spend the rest of your life with, while the courtship should be focused on whether or not this person is the one God has meant for you. There is always the possibility that this is not the one that He has intended for you. Our sin-ridden lives are not perfect and hearts will be broken no matter what model you use, but there is certainly a way that is wiser than the rest.
There's my "snippet" on the topic. I enjoy talking about the subject, though I much prefer the conversational layout than merely stating my opinion!
In Yahweh,
Jessica, thank you.
ReplyDeleteThis post provoked a lot of thoughts. Your comments turned the subject, slightly, to a new angle.
Now I have more things to think about.
First of all: "Yay, a new post on your blog!" ; )
ReplyDeleteSomething I've found particularly interesting is how college life gives this quite a twist. Nowadays there is a high number of marriages that come out of college. It is a place almost exclusively of young men and women within a few years of each other living together for four years, with little or no parental or even family involvement. I've come up with some of my own ideas about how things should play out, but I've not yet read anyone who treats that subject.
I agree with the courtship principles, but I would switch things up a little bit from the order in the article. I would suggest the man speaking to the girl's father early on, even before he gets very close to the girl. Because it seems to me that a guy doesn't normally just randomly meet a girl and then go spend time with her family. It seems that going to her house implies something (more or less, but something in the romantic field). So it seems to me that a wise course of action would be to make talking with the father a high priority as soon as the man has any ideas that he might like to get to know this girl in a deeper way, even if it is just to "access her character." Of course that may involve mostly phone conversations and letters, but it seems to me that that is the best way to honor the father's protection rights and in doing so honor the girl as well.
I'm afraid I haven't thought too much about what a girl should do since that isn't likely to be in my direct experience. ; )
I guess my point in this is that I see a lot of good articles talking about courtship, but few of them seem to take into account college life, which is where a large percentage of marriages happen.
You probably aren't as interested in that as I—seeing as you don't intend to go—, but if you know of anything, or have thoughts I'd love to hear them. ; )
Tragedy101 - I hope I was able to offer some insight on the subject. Do feel free to share your thoughts!
ReplyDeleteIsaiah - Haha, very funny. :-P
I quite agree with you. While not blatantly mentioned in the article, I believe Mrs. Mcdonald would agree with you. The father is the protector. Now my problem lies with fathers tending toward one extreme or another. Either he puts the suitor through much 'grilling' before he can even talk to the girl, or he has very little involvement at all (both of which I have been eyewitness to). Both are very frustrating to deal with. The suitor needs to go to the father before entering into a serious relationship with a young lady, but the father also has to be careful to not set the bar too high or too low. Usually, the young man has some degree of acquaintance with the young lady before desiring to pursue a deeper relationship, but I still think that a majority of the time spent getting to know one another initially should be in a group/family/church setting. The first stage would be observing the other's character. It may appear redundant to be spending time together in group settings, but I believe it is the most advantageous method for both parties. One-on-one communication would perhaps be allowed, but kept at minimum during the first stages of the relationship. As you can see, I pretty much have the whole courtship model thing worked out, I just have to get everyone to follow it. ;-) Seriously, I do enjoy discussing all the different aspects of courtship. It's a favorite topic of mine.
As to how courtship plays out with college life, it is not something that I have really thought of before. I guess I've always seen it more as, if you married in college it was to someone with whom you were previously acquainted. Some of the same principles would apply, but it would certainly offer challenges. One would still go through the father, and could still spend time with the other person in a group setting. Getting the know the other person's families would be the difficult part. Also, accountability and insight would be harder to find. You'll have to share your insights on the topic. I'll have to keep an eye out for opinions on the subject.